It is said that you should live your life for yourself, not for anyone else. Scripture confirms this truth when it reminds us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.
However, we often let our fear of being judged, rejected, or disliked stop us from living our purpose. One can only imagine that half of our troubles in life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no too soon.
Think about how many times we have said YES to someone or something when what we really wanted to say was NO. Was it one time, five times, eight times, or are you still saying YES when you should have said NO?
Why is it so difficult to say no as adults? Could it be that we were programmed as children to believe that it would be rude and disrespectful to say no, or are we fearful of being rejected, disliked, or are we stressed out about disappointing others?
In my case, it was the latter. Early on, I realized that my biggest fear was not so much being rejected but being judged and labeled as unwilling to support others in need. And for me, the latter was the reason I often said YES when I meant to say NO.
As you can imagine, this was a heavy burden for me to carry because of the fears I mentioned earlier. So how did I overcome my fear of saying NO? I learned to lean into my self-confidence, self-worth, self-respect, and, most importantly, self-love.
I told myself that saying no does not make me a bad person, a rude person, or even a selfish person, as the little child within me was programmed to believe. However, sadly, I still hold on to my childhood beliefs and, at times, continue to associate NO with bad manners, being inconsiderate, and unkind.
I must remind myself very often that other people’s approval or opinions of me are not more important than my approval or opinions of myself. I had to reprogram my mind to ask if saying YES was worth the cost of my time and energy or if saying NO would have been a better choice.
When we think about the anxiety, stress, and resentment that saying yes has caused us, the answer would have been to say, no, thank you, I appreciate you asking, but I am unable to accommodate you at this time. Perhaps another time!
As I look back, I realize that it wasn’t worth saying yes when I wanted to say no because I no longer feel trapped or guilty; instead, I feel free and empowered.
I now know and understand my “why,” and recognize the label many of us put on ourselves is called, people-pleasing. And, the problem with this label is that every time we continue this people-pleasing path, we take ourselves off the path of identifying and living our purpose. We are closing in on what we want and focusing on what others want from us. We are then effectively handing them the reins to our lives.
My suggestion, if I may, is to notice when we are engaging in people-pleasing actions, then offer ourselves grace and compassion. This is not the time to beat ourselves up, blame or shame ourselves, our parents, teachers, or others. It is a time to become responsible adults, aware when we are engaging in people-pleasing behaviors.
I hope that we become mindfully aware of our intentions and ask – Do I really want to say YES or do I really want to say NO! Now, that’s something to think about!
Josette Veltri, a Boca Point resident, is a certified educator and coach on loss and transition. Her purpose is to assist clients in healing and moving forward so they can go from I Can’t to I Can, One Step at a Time. She can be reached at [email protected] (https://www.linkedin.com/in/josettejveltri/)
