We’re just back from Maine. I drove several hundred miles without seeing a single sign for an amusement park with a roller coaster. The reason, me thinks, is that the roads in Maine obviate the need for roller coasters. Here’s the deal.
As most of you know, depending on which way you are going, U.S. 1 either starts or ends in Maine. So too I-95, and it only goes just so far. But for an occasional circumferential around a larger city, Maine is a state made up of narrow, bad roads that leave one with a sigh of relief when you’ve arrived at your destination.
To start with, there’s the width. Almost all the roads we traveled were two-lane roads. They had stripes indicating if you could or should pass—sometimes there’s a big difference between the two. That difference has to do with the speed at which the person coming at you is going. Due to the road’s grading, which we’ll soon discuss, the lanes appear narrow. So narrow, in fact, that when passing an 18-wheeler, it seems you couldn’t fit an envelope between your car and the truck, or at least not if the envelope was too full. And then, of course, there is the feeling that the whoosh from the behemoth is going to blow you right off the road.
County roads in Maine are graded to the shoulder for runoff either from rainstorms or melting snow. Thus, the driver seems to feel a constant tug to the right, making it feel as if one isn’t gripping the steering wheel tightly, then the driver will end up in the passenger’s lap, sending you both out the passenger-side door. I call it the Maine Lean.
So, while you are sucking in your breath to make the road a little less narrow and having a death grip on the steering wheel, you have to deal with the roller coaster ride produced by the roads. Maine byways and back roads have two characteristics. If one took a heavy rope and snapped it downwards, one would see a vertical serpentine pattern develop. If you did that sideways, then the pattern would be horizontal. Put them together, and you have your driving experience. There just aren’t a lot of roads that are both flat and straight. That means one’s sightlines are short, being blocked by a curve to the right or left or a rise, often so steep that one can’t see what’s below until the peak is crested.
The result is that one must pay constant attention to the road, be ready to anticipate the unexpected, and not relax for a second. Driving Maine’s roads is like sitting in the front car of a roller coaster and having a steering wheel to make aiming it even more of a challenge. It isn’t only a car or truck the driver has his eyes peeled for. Much of Maine is dotted with triangular, yellow signs that either have a picture of a moose on them or warn you that you are in an area where there are high numbers of “meese” hit by cars. The average bull moose stands about 7 feet high and weighs between 800 and 1,600 pounds. The females (cows) are smaller, weighing between 800 and 1,300 pounds. You definitely don’t want to hit one. Actually, you don’t want anything to do with them at all, like get out of your car to take a family photo. They are extremely ill-tempered and won’t give a second thought about hoisting you up on what can be a prodigious set of antlers. We’re home a week, and my physical therapist still hasn’t been able to unknot my back.
In other places, some signs warn of deer crossings and fox crossings. Why other animals don’t rate their own signs, I don’t know. George Carlin, the iconic social commentator/comedian, was once asked why he didn’t support a disease-fighting organization. He said because all the good diseases were already taken … ba da boom. Maybe bears, wolves, skunks, porcupines, and raccoons—all found to be plentiful in Maine—aren’t good enough—or Maine has so many animals, warning signs for all would dent the budget. Signs or not, the state is a naturalist’s paradise.
So, I assume, you are assuming, I’m going to tell you to stay away from Maine. Wrong. I didn’t tell you that … Maine has a vast number of lakes, with the most famous, Moosehead Lake, the largest in the state. We stayed on Moosehead, a glacier-made lake, which is 74.5 acres in size, spanning 117 miles. Islands, both big and small, populate the lake. At night, one can hear the mournful call of the Loon rising from the cool, clear water. Sweeping its span with one’s eyes makes you forget lots of things you don’t want to intrude on what you’re seeing. That’s called being on vacation, isn’t it?
While Maine is full of water, it is also full of trees. Maine is 90% covered by trees. It is one of the most heavily forested states in the union. In this season of forest fires, we saw a big sign that said, “God Made Maine Green. Protect it from burning so it doesn’t look like hell!”
Then there are the people. I wouldn’t call Mainers social, except in the few cities of the state, they tend to live closer to each other than in the rest of the state. Mainers come together at town functions and in churches. Yet they are friendly and helpful. You won’t get into much of a conversation with someone you don’t know, but if you need help, you’ll get it. And yes, they do say, “ay-up” for yes.
Finally, the weather. True, Maine has been hit with climate change and doesn’t nearly have the omnipresent air conditioning one finds in lower New England or the Middle Atlantic States, but when the weather is good, it’s very good. And we got very good. The temperature was in the mid-70’s during the day and the low 60’s at night. And the humidity? ‘seemed like there wasn’t any. For this Floridian, air that is crisp enough that it can go snap, crackle, and pop is one step removed from heaven. But then there’s winter. That’s entirely another story and one you’ll read about hopefully next month.
But if the bottom line question for three seasons to visit Maine, despite the roller coaster roads, the answer is—ay-up! Columnist and author Bill Gralnick was born and raised in Brooklyn, NY. He recently finished a humorous memoir trilogy. The first book is “The War of the Itchy Balls and Other Tales from Brooklyn.” The second is “George Washington Didn’t Sleep Here.” The recently published third is, That’s Why They Call It Work.” He is currently working on a novel. His books are available on Amazon and his other writings at https://www.williamgralnickauthor.com.
